Jangan risau, tajuk tak ada kena mengena dengan entri. Tho' I've some problem with certain gay people. I'm like candy to these people. Quit it already. My ass is not on sale no matter how firm and tight it is and that's that.
3 majlis persandingan untuk 2 negeri.
As I was smoking and discussing about cars, girls, manly stuff dengan abang ipar, Poktih entah dari celah mana muncul dan berkata:
"Poktih 70. Sihat. Perut tak ke depan. You guys at your 20's..."
Abang ipar aku sampuk, "30."
"Yes, and you guys are barbecuing your lungs. The money spent on the cigarettes might' have bought you a house, several houses and wives. Now you won't spent your life long enough to see your kids getting married and your cribs getting pimped."
"I'm 23, the fuck do I need houses? And wives? Fuck you Poktih. You're 70 issit? Do the world a favor and drop dead already." I didn't say it out loud.
Adalah biadap bila orang tua-tua bercakap dan kita betah. Dan datang dari orang yang biadap tahap super seperti aku, that saying is a lot.
Aku cukup benci bila orang berumur, terutama sekali mereka yang ada talian persaudaraan, menceritakan semula kisah hidup dia sebab dalam kisah=kisah mereka akan ada sangkut paut dengan kita. Dan sangkut pautan itu menjadikan kita seolah-olah terhutang budi dengan dia, in some sort of way.
"Poktih kahwin masa 30. Moktih kau still in college. Nak kahwin kena bayar pampasan RM12,000. That was back then in the 70's."
"Word?"
"As a principal, it's kinda awkward to be a man in my position being single. Mana ada pengetua bujang? Melainkan nama dia Bujang bin something-something."
Aku ketawa sampai jatuh-jatuh lantai.
"Nak tak nak Poktih terpaksa gunakan pangkat sebagai pengetua dan jumpa dean Moktih and asked him as a gentleman. And I quote: I'm a guy. You're a guy. Kammannnnn(come on versi persuasif). Poktih dapat surat pelepasan and we got married afterwards."
"Uh-huh." aku nyalakan sebatang rokok lagi. Abang ipar aku dah mula buat muka semak cos we're talking about boobs, mufflers, spoilers and now this? The fuck this old man's point? Get to it already.
"Dulu-dulu kahwin umur 30 dah kira lambat. Maha lambat. Arwah Tok dulu kahwin 19. *Odang time tu 17."
"Alright.' aku high five abang ipar aku.
"So back to when I was at my early years of marriage. We got it all smooth. We lived in a big ass bungalow that was built for principals with 5 rooms but still it was so lonely. The house is huge, the money, on the other hand, can't support much of our lifestyle." nada dia mula turun.
Aku dah mula syak ayat-ayat lepas ni akan bagi aku tertunduk. Entah, aku tak pernah tunduk. Sakit leher. Oh, and by the way I have a long ass neck. Word of advice: jangan makan leher ayam.
"I've to work part time job as a translator at DBP. Siang Poktih mengajar, malam Poktih jadi kawan baik kamus. Gaji pengetua tak banyak. 300. We have bills, 2 rumah..."
"Wow, can't believe you already have 2 houses when you're 30." aku sampuk.
"Aku tak habis cakap lagi kau dah potong. Rumah yang Poktih tinggal dengan rumah Odang. I've to feed your uncles and your dad too. Semua dekat asrama. Arwah Tok dah lama arwah. Poklong dah ada anak-anak. Tak dapat nak membantu Odang sangat. Arwah Pak Ngah baru nak start kerja. So Poktih kinda like the man of the family back then."
Kan betul. Mesti ada yang nak diungkit. Ia datang secara semulajadi dengan cerita. Can't leave bapak aku out of the equation.
"Jangan sesekali guris hati mak. Pernah sekali Poktih masa tu nak balik KL and I got 100 bucks left in the pocket. Minyak kereta entah cukup entah tidak and your Odang asked me to give her the last 100 that I had. Tengah-tengah bulan. Duit ni nak buat belanja adik-adik kau, she said. I didn't say nothing. Poktih keluarkan duit dan bagi masa salam dan cium tangan dia."
Aku bakar sebatang rokok lagi. Poktih dah kerut kening. Abang ipar aku asal nak merokok juga tapi melihat Poktih mula berkerut kening dia pun turut serta "tsk tsk tsk" dekat aku.
"Esoknya Poktih masuk ofis. Alhamdulillah semua cek claim ada atas meja. Makan luar 4 bulan straight. Kidding. Berkat doa Odang kau. Poktih memang dah takde duit langsung. Nak pinjam orang segan. Poktih tak pandai tapi berkat doa Odang, or in general, berkat doa seorang Ibu, Poktih got to the top in the world of education. Well not that top I mean yeah I managed to be someone."
"Ok, break time. Memulas perut ni" kata aku sambil kentut-kentut comel yang disudahi dengan kentut lelaki sejati: panjang, kuat, padat, dan perlu immediate evacuation sejurus ia dilepaskan or else you might die of suffocation.
Aku paksa-paksa angin keluar dari perut sebab malas nak dengar lama lagi. We're outside dan aku pakai baju 2 lapis. Panas, berpeluh macam sial dan Poktih macam tak dapat signal to stop. Aku kejap-kejap lap peluh kat leher, muka dan kadang-kadang angkat leher baju dan tiup angin kena badan.
Aku bergegas ke tandas khuatir kentut paksa turut induce small amount of shit splattered in my pants. I got lucky cos I was so sure it's a very wet fart. And wet fart usually ends up with leakage.
I sat down and light a butt. Dengan tidak semena-mena ibarat sekawan kuda berlari merentas padang dan menuju ke pintu pagar sempit, aku terkirap. 30 minit. As I got out of the crapper, Poktih was long gone. Don't want to shake my hands was it? Takut bau melekat, right?
Elok la tu. Now for lunch. Wow, donuts!
