Ahad, Mei 22, 2011

Tua Dan Pelupa

Question: How to become the center of attention without even trying?

Answer : Be me.

Aku pelupa. Aku tua sebelum sampai masanya.

People often asked me how old I am and my answer would shock them to death. They just can't believe a young, tall and handsome man like me would be at the age of 24.

Situation 1

Some bitch : How old are you?

Me : Twenty four.

The same bitch : Get the fuck outta ea! When's your birthday?

Me : Aaa... Not good with numbers. Next.


Menjadi tua sebelum sampai masanya mempunyai kelebihan yang tersendiri. Example, women want me in their bed because I emit the vibe of 30-ish divorced/married with 2 kids kind of guy. And women dig that.

Situation 2

Another bitch(AB) : Are you, pray tell, divorced with 1 kid?

Me : Fuck yeah.

AB : Please knock me out with your mighty penetration skills.

Me : Of course I will. After I feed my kid.

AB : Ooohhhh. Penetrate me now, oh mighty Penetrator.

Me : Calm the fuck down, bitch.


Menjadi pelupa juga mempunyai kelebihannya yang tersendiri. Kau boleh jadi pelupa tetapi disenangi orang tapi kau jangan lupa bila masa dan situasi yang sesuai untuk menjadi pelupa. And remember, this forgetful person persona has to be completely natural. You can't force to forget shit.

Situation 3

I was at the mall with my buddy. Went for dinner at a chicken joint. As I walked into the restaurant, every single pair of eyes inside that place was locked on me. I felt weird but was hungry like hell so I walked through them and made my way to my table.

As I sat down, an Eurasian girl(EG) was approaching.

EG: Sir, I know it's none of my business, but I have to make a stand. First of all, I'm lesbian. Everyone at my table are lesbians. I'm Charlene. I'm Chinese-French.

Me : Good day to you Charlene. To be honest, I'm confused. Why you come here again? I'm hungry as fuck and the waiter is waiting for me. Make it quick and I'll make sure you can still see the sun shine from your bedroom when you wake up tomorrow morning. Cos' I'll deliberately break your spine and make yo see the sun shine from the ICU. And they don't have window in ICU. You'll be miserable as hell and eventually kill yourself. Do you want that?

EG : No.

Me : Good. Waiter, full chicken with fries and lot more fries cos' I'm hungry. Yes Charlene, where were we?

EG : Your flier sir, it's.... it's down. I don't know whether you're intentionally want it down or what but we, at the big L table already questioning our sexual orientation as a result of your action.

Oh, zip aku terbuka. Bukan terbuka. Aku memang tak naikkan zip sejak aku sarung seluar. It's no big deal. I do that all the time but here's the skinny. I wore one layer of clothes that time. Which means, a t-shirt, a short, a pair of flip flop and nothing else. Which means every once in a while, my penis was shown to the public. It was cold and I had wood.

Me : Ooh. I'm a very forgetful person. I don't even remember my cellphone number let alone where I put it which means I lost it and...

Sebelum aku sempat habiskan ayat, Charlene bisikkan sesuatu ke telinga aku.

EG: Here's my room card. Me and my girls would like to have a bit more discussion with you. Hot and nasty discussion with and awful lot of lotions.

I fixed my zipper situation and later on that night I was sipping Earl Grey inside one of the most expensive hotel suite in town. The girls were locked outside of the room.

Aku on laptop. Sambung buat kerja. Yawn for a couple of times and slept like a baby. The girls were crying like a bunch of babies with disease. I didn't give a fuck and that's the end of my story.

Alright, off to get my haircut done.

Selasa, April 12, 2011

Siri Bercakap Dengan Orang Itu

Hanya dengan satu sesi kaunseling, aku dah jadi orang yang lain.

Itu kata doktor yang merujuk aku ke psikiatri setelah rawatan laser pigmen aku menemui jalan buntu.

"We have reached something we like to call a treatment failure," kata doktor 3 bulan yang lepas.

"What do you mean?" Soal aku.

"After 3 years and 14 treatments, I still can't cure your condition. Worse, it has started re-pigmenting at certain areas."

"Okay, I still can't follow. Those are very confusing words plus I ain't no doctor."

"Kita kena stop treatment and see how it goes. On the mean time, I'd like to discuss some options."


Pertama kali aku mencarut depan doktor. Aku tak mencarut dekat dia, Aku pun tak pasti carutan itu dituju kepada siapa. I just felt like cursing that time. It felt just right. Dan dia faham.
"We've been at it for 3 years. That's a pretty long battle. I'm like your longest most tolerant patient ever. Have you ever had a patient who can endure extreme pain and still can smile and say thanks when you're done burning them?"

"Well, you tak say thanks, nor smile. Every time I was done with you, you're just bolted through the door and never to be seen again until your next appointment."

"Shit, I do that. He he. But my point still remains the same. I insist on continuing with the procuder, be it hundred more, be it thousands, I don't give a damn."

Doktor diam. Dia perasan perubahan nada aku. Dia tahu bila aku marah dan dia tahu bila aku benar-benar marah. Dan dia tahu bila marah aku sampai ke tahap "I'm turning green", because that's when I start to smash and wreck things around me. I ripped her stethoscope once and broke her vase. Tapi dia maintain cool dan tak lodge any report.

Dan opsyen pertama yang dia bagi adalah hantar aku jumpa psychiatrist to work with my issues.

Aku tolak. Kerana telah tersemat dalam pemikiran aku hanya orang yang tidak waras dan ada something wrong inside the head sahaja akan jumpa psychiatrist.

I was wrong.

Sebab sesiapa sahaja yang dirujuk ke psikiatri perlu mendaftar terlebih dahulu kaunter pendaftaran. You can't just open the door and I want to see this and this person. Got letter from sekian-sekian doktor. Have to follow the protocol.

So I was sitting there waiting for my name to be called while some old lady just scream all of the sudden. I was terrified because I thought it might be some Emily Rose shit going around but then I realized, hey, aku dekat wad psikiatri. Screaming is what they do.

Dan aku tak dapat lupakan bagaimana seorang pakcik memberikan aku pandangan yang cukup jijik sebab dekat wad psikiatri juga adalah tempat untuk penagih heroin mendapatkan bekalan metadon. Maka dia ingat aku seorang penagih. Thus explaining why he gave such a look. Aku patut sesah dia sampai lumat tapi apa aku boleh buat. Jika aku acted out and knocked the shut out of him, aku berdepan dengan risiko tidur bersama orang bercakap sendirian selama 3 malam berturut-turut. Maka aku diam dan tunggu dengan penuh sabar hinggalah nama aku dipanggil.


Aku bangkit dan berjalan menuju ke kaunter dan ada seorang lagi mamat meluru ke arah kaunter. Dia langgar aku dan sebut, "Saya."

"What the... Motherfucker, she called me. That fine bitch called me. No offense to you lady," aku hala muncung ke arah receptionist yang aduh lah, sangat menawan.

"Safwan... Ahmad Safwan bin Samsuddin." Kata receptionist dengan tergagap-gagap.

Bersambung kendian hari. Aku nak pergi main besi.


Selasa, Mac 22, 2011

Dua Sudu Kecil Malapetaka

Ada sebab kenapa sesetengah produk melarang pengguna mengambil dos berlebihan. Salah satu sebab dia adalah ini.

I was referring to me.

Sekarang jam dah pukul 1.40 pagi kala perenggan ini ditaip. And I don't feel like going to sleep. I just can't. Took a couple of flu pills and half a bottle of cough meds and still I'm wide awake.

Produk sial ini adalah Hemo-Rage Black keluaran syarikat Nutrex. Produk pra-latihan yang menambah stamina dan somewhat your strength. I've been lifting cows instead of dumbbells as a result of using that thing.

Now, the maximum dose for daily usage is just one small scoop. Scoop susu baby and that's it. And you'll be working your ass off lifting unimaginable weights up to 4 to 6 hours long. Holy shit.

Aku dah imun dengan hanya satu sudu. Didn't feel shit, couldn't lift more than an auntie could. Then I figured it must be the right point of time to double up the dosage. I was right. Last week on Sunday I tried it. It was fucking amazing. It's like having sex for the first time. Sentiasa cemas dan kelam kabut. Semua serba tak kena. Peluh sentiasa keluar. Di waktu pagi aku cuba. So sex in the morning, umh! Nothing's better than a wake up sex. The potent smell of each other's breath. Sisa daging semalam terselit di celah geraham. Uh, sangat erotik.

Tak menjadi masalah sebab waktu tu pagi. Hari Ahad pulak tu. Who the fuck works on a Sunday? So I trained for no longer than 5 hours. Gila babi. Tak pernah seumur hidup aku mengadap satu kerja lebih dari 5 minit.

Dan hari ini adalah Selasa. Beberapa jam yang lepas adalah hari Isnin. Pada Isnin jam 8.30 malam, aku teguk air berperisa asid hidroklorik dan sedikit campuran tembikai, artificially flavored, without thinking about the consequences. It's a Monday, how much worse can it be?

I was wrong.

I forgot I took a day off from work on Wednesday which means I have to work today. Ah sudah. Terkirap aku nampak gayanya. And this thing has caffeine level that can send you straight into hell if you're a kid at the age of 8 and you drank it instead of, what the fuck kids drink today anyway? Jus epal. Cos it's pure sin to kill yourself. It's suicide. You know this thing can kill you but you still do it anyway. And what better punishment for someone so ignorant other than the deep fiery hell?

I'm gonna try something more powerful than sleep medications which is pray.