Ahad, Mei 22, 2011

Tua Dan Pelupa

Question: How to become the center of attention without even trying?

Answer : Be me.

Aku pelupa. Aku tua sebelum sampai masanya.

People often asked me how old I am and my answer would shock them to death. They just can't believe a young, tall and handsome man like me would be at the age of 24.

Situation 1

Some bitch : How old are you?

Me : Twenty four.

The same bitch : Get the fuck outta ea! When's your birthday?

Me : Aaa... Not good with numbers. Next.


Menjadi tua sebelum sampai masanya mempunyai kelebihan yang tersendiri. Example, women want me in their bed because I emit the vibe of 30-ish divorced/married with 2 kids kind of guy. And women dig that.

Situation 2

Another bitch(AB) : Are you, pray tell, divorced with 1 kid?

Me : Fuck yeah.

AB : Please knock me out with your mighty penetration skills.

Me : Of course I will. After I feed my kid.

AB : Ooohhhh. Penetrate me now, oh mighty Penetrator.

Me : Calm the fuck down, bitch.


Menjadi pelupa juga mempunyai kelebihannya yang tersendiri. Kau boleh jadi pelupa tetapi disenangi orang tapi kau jangan lupa bila masa dan situasi yang sesuai untuk menjadi pelupa. And remember, this forgetful person persona has to be completely natural. You can't force to forget shit.

Situation 3

I was at the mall with my buddy. Went for dinner at a chicken joint. As I walked into the restaurant, every single pair of eyes inside that place was locked on me. I felt weird but was hungry like hell so I walked through them and made my way to my table.

As I sat down, an Eurasian girl(EG) was approaching.

EG: Sir, I know it's none of my business, but I have to make a stand. First of all, I'm lesbian. Everyone at my table are lesbians. I'm Charlene. I'm Chinese-French.

Me : Good day to you Charlene. To be honest, I'm confused. Why you come here again? I'm hungry as fuck and the waiter is waiting for me. Make it quick and I'll make sure you can still see the sun shine from your bedroom when you wake up tomorrow morning. Cos' I'll deliberately break your spine and make yo see the sun shine from the ICU. And they don't have window in ICU. You'll be miserable as hell and eventually kill yourself. Do you want that?

EG : No.

Me : Good. Waiter, full chicken with fries and lot more fries cos' I'm hungry. Yes Charlene, where were we?

EG : Your flier sir, it's.... it's down. I don't know whether you're intentionally want it down or what but we, at the big L table already questioning our sexual orientation as a result of your action.

Oh, zip aku terbuka. Bukan terbuka. Aku memang tak naikkan zip sejak aku sarung seluar. It's no big deal. I do that all the time but here's the skinny. I wore one layer of clothes that time. Which means, a t-shirt, a short, a pair of flip flop and nothing else. Which means every once in a while, my penis was shown to the public. It was cold and I had wood.

Me : Ooh. I'm a very forgetful person. I don't even remember my cellphone number let alone where I put it which means I lost it and...

Sebelum aku sempat habiskan ayat, Charlene bisikkan sesuatu ke telinga aku.

EG: Here's my room card. Me and my girls would like to have a bit more discussion with you. Hot and nasty discussion with and awful lot of lotions.

I fixed my zipper situation and later on that night I was sipping Earl Grey inside one of the most expensive hotel suite in town. The girls were locked outside of the room.

Aku on laptop. Sambung buat kerja. Yawn for a couple of times and slept like a baby. The girls were crying like a bunch of babies with disease. I didn't give a fuck and that's the end of my story.

Alright, off to get my haircut done.