Itu kata doktor yang merujuk aku ke psikiatri setelah rawatan laser pigmen aku menemui jalan buntu.
"We have reached something we like to call a treatment failure," kata doktor 3 bulan yang lepas.
"What do you mean?" Soal aku.
"After 3 years and 14 treatments, I still can't cure your condition. Worse, it has started re-pigmenting at certain areas."
"Okay, I still can't follow. Those are very confusing words plus I ain't no doctor."
"Kita kena stop treatment and see how it goes. On the mean time, I'd like to discuss some options."
"Fuck!"
Pertama kali aku mencarut depan doktor. Aku tak mencarut dekat dia, Aku pun tak pasti carutan itu dituju kepada siapa. I just felt like cursing that time. It felt just right. Dan dia faham.
"We've been at it for 3 years. That's a pretty long battle. I'm like your longest most tolerant patient ever. Have you ever had a patient who can endure extreme pain and still can smile and say thanks when you're done burning them?"
"Well, you tak say thanks, nor smile. Every time I was done with you, you're just bolted through the door and never to be seen again until your next appointment."
"Shit, I do that. He he. But my point still remains the same. I insist on continuing with the procuder, be it hundred more, be it thousands, I don't give a damn."
Doktor diam. Dia perasan perubahan nada aku. Dia tahu bila aku marah dan dia tahu bila aku benar-benar marah. Dan dia tahu bila marah aku sampai ke tahap "I'm turning green", because that's when I start to smash and wreck things around me. I ripped her stethoscope once and broke her vase. Tapi dia maintain cool dan tak lodge any report.
Dan opsyen pertama yang dia bagi adalah hantar aku jumpa psychiatrist to work with my issues.
Aku tolak. Kerana telah tersemat dalam pemikiran aku hanya orang yang tidak waras dan ada something wrong inside the head sahaja akan jumpa psychiatrist.
I was wrong.
Sebab sesiapa sahaja yang dirujuk ke psikiatri perlu mendaftar terlebih dahulu kaunter pendaftaran. You can't just open the door and I want to see this and this person. Got letter from sekian-sekian doktor. Have to follow the protocol.
So I was sitting there waiting for my name to be called while some old lady just scream all of the sudden. I was terrified because I thought it might be some Emily Rose shit going around but then I realized, hey, aku dekat wad psikiatri. Screaming is what they do.
Dan aku tak dapat lupakan bagaimana seorang pakcik memberikan aku pandangan yang cukup jijik sebab dekat wad psikiatri juga adalah tempat untuk penagih heroin mendapatkan bekalan metadon. Maka dia ingat aku seorang penagih. Thus explaining why he gave such a look. Aku patut sesah dia sampai lumat tapi apa aku boleh buat. Jika aku acted out and knocked the shut out of him, aku berdepan dengan risiko tidur bersama orang bercakap sendirian selama 3 malam berturut-turut. Maka aku diam dan tunggu dengan penuh sabar hinggalah nama aku dipanggil.
"Safwan."
Aku bangkit dan berjalan menuju ke kaunter dan ada seorang lagi mamat meluru ke arah kaunter. Dia langgar aku dan sebut, "Saya."
"What the... Motherfucker, she called me. That fine bitch called me. No offense to you lady," aku hala muncung ke arah receptionist yang aduh lah, sangat menawan.
"Safwan... Ahmad Safwan bin Samsuddin." Kata receptionist dengan tergagap-gagap.
Bersambung kendian hari. Aku nak pergi main besi.
"
