Tua Dan Pelupa

Question: How to become the center of attention without even trying?

Answer : Be me.

Aku pelupa. Aku tua sebelum sampai masanya.

People often asked me how old I am and my answer would shock them to death. They just can't believe a young, tall and handsome man like me would be at the age of 24.

Situation 1

Some bitch : How old are you?

Me : Twenty four.

The same bitch : Get the fuck outta ea! When's your birthday?

Me : Aaa... Not good with numbers. Next.

---

Menjadi tua sebelum sampai masanya mempunyai kelebihan yang tersendiri. Example, women want me in their bed because I emit the vibe of 30-ish divorced/married with 2 kids kind of guy. And women dig that.

Situation 2

Another bitch(AB) : Are you, pray tell, divorced with 1 kid?

Me : Fuck yeah.

AB : Please knock me out with your mighty penetration skills.

Me : Of course I will. After I feed my kid.

AB : Ooohhhh. Penetrate me now, oh mighty Penetrator.

Me : Calm the fuck down, bitch.

---

Menjadi pelupa juga mempunyai kelebihannya yang tersendiri. Kau boleh jadi pelupa tetapi disenangi orang tapi kau jangan lupa bila masa dan situasi yang sesuai untuk menjadi pelupa. And remember, this forgetful person persona has to be completely natural. You can't force to forget shit.

Situation 3

I was at the mall with my buddy. Went for dinner at a chicken joint. As I walked into the restaurant, every single pair of eyes inside that place was locked on me. I felt weird but was hungry like hell so I walked through them and made my way to my table.

As I sat down, an Eurasian girl(EG) was approaching.

EG: Sir, I know it's none of my business, but I have to make a stand. First of all, I'm lesbian. Everyone at my table are lesbians. I'm Charlene. I'm Chinese-French.

Me : Good day to you Charlene. To be honest, I'm confused. Why you come here again? I'm hungry as fuck and the waiter is waiting for me. Make it quick and I'll make sure you can still see the sun shine from your bedroom when you wake up tomorrow morning. Cos' I'll deliberately break your spine and make yo see the sun shine from the ICU. And they don't have window in ICU. You'll be miserable as hell and eventually kill yourself. Do you want that?

EG : No.

Me : Good. Waiter, full chicken with fries and lot more fries cos' I'm hungry. Yes Charlene, where were we?

EG : Your flier sir, it's.... it's down. I don't know whether you're intentionally want it down or what but we, at the big L table already questioning our sexual orientation as a result of your action.

Oh, zip aku terbuka. Bukan terbuka. Aku memang tak naikkan zip sejak aku sarung seluar. It's no big deal. I do that all the time but here's the skinny. I wore one layer of clothes that time. Which means, a t-shirt, a short, a pair of flip flop and nothing else. Which means every once in a while, my penis was shown to the public. It was cold and I had wood.

Me : Ooh. I'm a very forgetful person. I don't even remember my cellphone number let alone where I put it which means I lost it and...

Sebelum aku sempat habiskan ayat, Charlene bisikkan sesuatu ke telinga aku.

EG: Here's my room card. Me and my girls would like to have a bit more discussion with you. Hot and nasty discussion with and awful lot of lotions.

I fixed my zipper situation and later on that night I was sipping Earl Grey inside one of the most expensive hotel suite in town. The girls were locked outside of the room.

Aku on laptop. Sambung buat kerja. Yawn for a couple of times and slept like a baby. The girls were crying like a bunch of babies with disease. I didn't give a fuck and that's the end of my story.

Alright, off to get my haircut done.

Siri Bercakap Dengan Orang Itu

Hanya dengan satu sesi kaunseling, aku dah jadi orang yang lain.

Itu kata doktor yang merujuk aku ke psikiatri setelah rawatan laser pigmen aku menemui jalan buntu.

"We have reached something we like to call a treatment failure," kata doktor 3 bulan yang lepas.

"What do you mean?" Soal aku.

"After 3 years and 14 treatments, I still can't cure your condition. Worse, it has started re-pigmenting at certain areas."

"Okay, I still can't follow. Those are very confusing words plus I ain't no doctor."

"Kita kena stop treatment and see how it goes. On the mean time, I'd like to discuss some options."

"Fuck!"

Pertama kali aku mencarut depan doktor. Aku tak mencarut dekat dia, Aku pun tak pasti carutan itu dituju kepada siapa. I just felt like cursing that time. It felt just right. Dan dia faham.

"We've been at it for 3 years. That's a pretty long battle. I'm like your longest most tolerant patient ever. Have you ever had a patient who can endure extreme pain and still can smile and say thanks when you're done burning them?"

"Well, you tak say thanks, nor smile. Every time I was done with you, you're just bolted through the door and never to be seen again until your next appointment."

"Shit, I do that. He he. But my point still remains the same. I insist on continuing with the procuder, be it hundred more, be it thousands, I don't give a damn."

Doktor diam. Dia perasan perubahan nada aku. Dia tahu bila aku marah dan dia tahu bila aku benar-benar marah. Dan dia tahu bila marah aku sampai ke tahap "I'm turning green", because that's when I start to smash and wreck things around me. I ripped her stethoscope once and broke her vase. Tapi dia maintain cool dan tak lodge any report.

Dan opsyen pertama yang dia bagi adalah hantar aku jumpa psychiatrist to work with my issues.

Aku tolak. Kerana telah tersemat dalam pemikiran aku hanya orang yang tidak waras dan ada something wrong inside the head sahaja akan jumpa psychiatrist.

I was wrong.

Sebab sesiapa sahaja yang dirujuk ke psikiatri perlu mendaftar terlebih dahulu kaunter pendaftaran. You can't just open the door and I want to see this and this person. Got letter from sekian-sekian doktor. Have to follow the protocol.

So I was sitting there waiting for my name to be called while some old lady just scream all of the sudden. I was terrified because I thought it might be some Emily Rose shit going around but then I realized, hey, aku dekat wad psikiatri. Screaming is what they do.

Dan aku tak dapat lupakan bagaimana seorang pakcik memberikan aku pandangan yang cukup jijik sebab dekat wad psikiatri juga adalah tempat untuk penagih heroin mendapatkan bekalan metadon. Maka dia ingat aku seorang penagih. Thus explaining why he gave such a look. Aku patut sesah dia sampai lumat tapi apa aku boleh buat. Jika aku acted out and knocked the shut out of him, aku berdepan dengan risiko tidur bersama orang bercakap sendirian selama 3 malam berturut-turut. Maka aku diam dan tunggu dengan penuh sabar hinggalah nama aku dipanggil.

"Safwan."

Aku bangkit dan berjalan menuju ke kaunter dan ada seorang lagi mamat meluru ke arah kaunter. Dia langgar aku dan sebut, "Saya."

"What the... Motherfucker, she called me. That fine bitch called me. No offense to you lady," aku hala muncung ke arah receptionist yang aduh lah, sangat menawan.

"Safwan... Ahmad Safwan bin Samsuddin." Kata receptionist dengan tergagap-gagap.

Bersambung kendian hari. Aku nak pergi main besi.

"

Dua Sudu Kecil Malapetaka

Ada sebab kenapa sesetengah produk melarang pengguna mengambil dos berlebihan. Salah satu sebab dia adalah ini.

I was referring to me.

Sekarang jam dah pukul 1.40 pagi kala perenggan ini ditaip. And I don't feel like going to sleep. I just can't. Took a couple of flu pills and half a bottle of cough meds and still I'm wide awake.

Produk sial ini adalah Hemo-Rage Black keluaran syarikat Nutrex. Produk pra-latihan yang menambah stamina dan somewhat your strength. I've been lifting cows instead of dumbbells as a result of using that thing.

Now, the maximum dose for daily usage is just one small scoop. Scoop susu baby and that's it. And you'll be working your ass off lifting unimaginable weights up to 4 to 6 hours long. Holy shit.

Aku dah imun dengan hanya satu sudu. Didn't feel shit, couldn't lift more than an auntie could. Then I figured it must be the right point of time to double up the dosage. I was right. Last week on Sunday I tried it. It was fucking amazing. It's like having sex for the first time. Sentiasa cemas dan kelam kabut. Semua serba tak kena. Peluh sentiasa keluar. Di waktu pagi aku cuba. So sex in the morning, umh! Nothing's better than a wake up sex. The potent smell of each other's breath. Sisa daging semalam terselit di celah geraham. Uh, sangat erotik.

Tak menjadi masalah sebab waktu tu pagi. Hari Ahad pulak tu. Who the fuck works on a Sunday? So I trained for no longer than 5 hours. Gila babi. Tak pernah seumur hidup aku mengadap satu kerja lebih dari 5 minit.

Dan hari ini adalah Selasa. Beberapa jam yang lepas adalah hari Isnin. Pada Isnin jam 8.30 malam, aku teguk air berperisa asid hidroklorik dan sedikit campuran tembikai, artificially flavored, without thinking about the consequences. It's a Monday, how much worse can it be?

I was wrong.

I forgot I took a day off from work on Wednesday which means I have to work today. Ah sudah. Terkirap aku nampak gayanya. And this thing has caffeine level that can send you straight into hell if you're a kid at the age of 8 and you drank it instead of, what the fuck kids drink today anyway? Jus epal. Cos it's pure sin to kill yourself. It's suicide. You know this thing can kill you but you still do it anyway. And what better punishment for someone so ignorant other than the deep fiery hell?

I'm gonna try something more powerful than sleep medications which is pray.

Terima Kasih

Minggu ni 2 kali aku tumbuk objek keras. Satu dinding, Isnin lepas dan yang kedua baru sebentar tadi iaitu mesin auto pay.

Aku dah dapatkan bantuan. Aku dah pergi terapi. Aku siap beli bola marah yang besarnya kecil sikit daripada penumbuk. Kalau marah, genggam bola tu kuat-kuat. Tak ada apa pun yang berlaku maka aku beralih kepada benda yang aku selalu buat bila dilanda rasa marah melampau; tumbuk benda yang sampai mati tak akan ada tindak balas. Aku rasa sakit, tapi sakit itu somehow turned into some sort of pleasure. No I did not get a woody. It's just that I feel more relaxed. Hilang terus marah tu.

Isnin lepas aku di balai polis untuk membayar saman. Aku paskan nota kecil berisi nombor kad pengenalan dan nombor pendaftaran kenderaan kepada "orang dalam". Maklumlah orang dari lepas Subuh dah beratur dekat kaunter yang hanya ada 2. Satu untuk semak sahaja dan satu lagi untuk bayar sahaja.

Aku sampai pukul 9. Dengan tidak ada sistem nombor giliran, seawal mana kau sampai pun, kalau tak ada unsur selit dan paksaan, sampai ke petanglah kau tertonggeng dekat balai polis yang di mana ia berlaku kepada aku. "Orang dalam" dah pergi ronda. Aku call dia. Dia cakap dia letak list tadi tu atas meja sebelah kaunter semak. Aku tanya pegawai yang bertugas mana diamnya senarai yang aku bagi. Dia jawab dia pun tak tahu, hilang di bawah timbunan resit-resit dan kertas-kertas yang berselerak di atas meja dia.

Dari 9 pagi ke jam 3 petang aku dok tunggu. Orang lain yang sampai kemudian boleh siap awal. Apa ke sial namanya tu? Aku betul-betul naik angin. Bola ada dekat rumah. Yang paling dekat dengan aku menyerupai bola adalah testis aku. Aku juga ada keinginan menimang cahaya mata. Dan aku nak tumbuk je orang yang datang kemudian dan potong barisan tapi aku di balai polis. Setiap tingkah aku diperhatikan. Aku usik dia hatta bulu roma, lokap tak jauh, hanya beberapa kaki dari tempat aku berdiri. Aku sabar lagi. Muka aku dah merah. Urat dekat leher dan kepala dah keluar. Aku ingat balik apa yang doktor ajar. Breath. Tarik dan lepas nafas dengan perlahan sebanyak 10 kali. Aku buat dah sampai 3, dan aku dah hilang sabar. That breath slowly bullshit ain't working. Depan mata aku adalah pancaran cahaya putih amarah. Aku berjalan perlahan ke arah dinding dan 2 saat lepas itu dinding konkrit retak sedikit. Tangan kanan aku dipenuhi debu putih.

"Dik, dah siap. Tak ada saman. Nombor-nombor tu semua pun tak ada saman. Adik boleh balik."

Aku tahu dia tak cek pun sebab balik tu aku cek balik dekat laman Myeg masih terdapat saman pada nombor kereta dan nama aku. 10 saat selepas aku tumbuk dinding, terus siap? Hmm, I wonder.

***

Sudah seminggu aku berkenalan dengan seorang wanita ni. Tidak pernah berjumpa. Hanya mesej teks dikirim terima. Aku ajak dia keluar. She agreed. Sepanjang seminggu kitorang bertukar-tukar pendapat, masalah, pengalaman, the usual, aku bagitahu dia tentang masalah aku. Dia akur dengan keadaan. Dia masih lagi dengan pendirian dia untuk berjumpa dengan aku. Lagi sejam sebelum aku keluar aku masih lagi hantar mesej mengatakan, "are you sure about this? Even a small thing can trigger my anger and then I have to punch something. It could be you."

Dia balas, "Well, you won't. I'm here to help you."

Everything went well. We had our laughs, we had a great time.

Until,

Nak bayar tiket parking. Mesin tunjuk RM3.50. Aku tak ada small change. Paling kecil aku ada not 10 dan beberapa keping duit syiling 50 sen. Dia bayarkan. 2 keping not seringgit. Aku perlukan lagi RM1.50. Syiling 50 sen aku ada 4 keping. Ngam-ngam setting. Aku masukkan sekeping. Baki yang perlu dibayar yang dipaparkan di skrin mesin tu masih lagi tak berganjak. Amount due: RM1.50

Aku masuk lagi sekeping, perkara sama berulang. Aku masuk lagi dan lagi dan lagi siap aku korek purse dia. She was okay with it. Sampai dah tak ada apa lagi nak dimasukkan. Bayu malam yang suam meniup saka Mark Wahlberg. Aku pergi tengok cerita The Fighter sebelum tu. Maka imej Mark menumbuk segala jenis objek terpancar bertalu-talu ke muka aku. Aku sabar. Aku tepuk sedikit kuat mesin itu dengan harapan syiling sebeban yang aku masukkan tadi keluar balik.

"FUCK!"

Dia ke belakang. Seperti memberi ruang untuk aku let it out.

Sambil menyebut catch phrase, "Where's my money, bitch?" Aku bagi satu penumbuk cukup padu samapi pecah screen protector dan skrin itu sendiri. Jarak antara protector dan skrin adalah lebih kurang 1 inci. Lubang bukaan mempunya kelebaran dalam anggaran 3/4 inci. Jumlah luas permukaan per isipadu penumbuk aku dari segi logiknya tidak boleh memecahkan skrin di sebelah dalam but it did any way.

Ting! Ting! Ting!

3 keping syiling 20 sen dan 4 keping syiling 10 sen. Aku masukan syiling dekat 5 ringgit, kau bagi balik sehinggit?

"KEPALA BAPAK KA..."

"Wait."

Dia tekan butang cancel untuk eject kad parking aku. Dia ambil syiling tersebut dan pindah ke mesin yang terletak bersebelahan mesin yang sekarang clearly damaged beyond repair. Dia korek poket syiling jeans dia. "Look, I still have 50 cents left."

Bertukar tangan, segalanya jadi normal. I should have kissed her but I didn't. I was afraid I might bite her lips off cos I was still under offense mode. So we shake hands, much appropriate thing to do due to our cultural restriction and finally said our goodbyes. I didn't. Aku tak balas sebab aku tahu dia memang dah takut just like every other girl I dated.

Lagu Universal Mind part ending berbunyi. Itu bunyi mesej telefon aku.

"Such manly strong hands, you should put it into good use like massage my back with it."

Terima kasih perempuan. Akhirnya selepas 2 tahun trying to settle down, seseorang yang tak lari ketakutan selepas beberapa jam menghabiskan masa dengan aku.

Sexy Thang.

Aku suka tengok kaki perempuan. It's a fetish that I'm not ashamed of. Yang berbalut atau tidak, kedua-duanya memberikan sensasi luar biasa ke phallus aku. Tapi malang, tak banyak pasang kaki perempuan di sini yang boleh aku gunakan untuk dibayangkan setiap kali upacara penyingkiran gen buruk dilakukan.

Women of all nature have this tendency to show off their goods tanpa mengambil kira perasaan orang lain. If their goodness is the shit, lain ceritalah. I'm still talking about legs. Not chest hams. Yang bergetar, yang berselulit, yang ughhh, mempunyai koleksi syiling, apa dah tak ada malu lagi dah?

Diwajibkan menutup aurat bersebab. And one of the reason is this, to cover up what you've done fucked up. Semalam di emporium, aku berjalan dari kedai ke kedai untuk mencari jeans. Aku ter-lock-on pada sepasang kaki yang putih mulus dan bersih dari segala cela, lemak, selulit, what have you. All waxed and shit. The real deal. Stuff you read in the Pimp's Bible. Aku mengekori dia lantas jeans ke mana, apa entah ke mana. Before I knew it, I followed her to the ladies room.

Dalam hiruk pikuk jeritan wanita di dalam tandas, aku sempat cakap pada pemilik that sexy thang, "I'd like to pour honey all over your legs and lick it like a hungry bear." Dia lempang aku. And everything went back to normal.

I didn't feel a thing. Darah aku semua dah turun ke organ reproduktif. My hormone gland was on overdrive. I couldn't get the image of her sexy legs out of my head. As I was about to run off to the nearest men's room to rub one out which happened to be right next to the toilet that woman went into, I ran into her, again.

Dia tengok aku atas bawah.

"I'd like to do the same thing you said but with candles and ropes."

Well, fuck them jeans. I'll always wear my shorts. The shorter the better.

Thank God for my both vascular and muscular legs. Can't get these by cycling like a moron.

Oh.

Bos aku tanya, "You datang kerja tak Isnin ni?"

Aku jawab, "Yeah, why you ask?"

And he didn't answer me. Dia cuma berikan aku satu senyuman. Not much of a smile, more like tersengih macam muka minta penumbuk. I did actually punch him in the face. Hard.

Selepas situasi kembali terkawal, aku tanya semula.

"This time, answer me verbally. Don't give me some questionable expression and hoping that I will get it cos honestly, I have no fucking idea."

Dengan terketar-ketar ketakutan dia menjawab, "It's the 14th of February." And he stopped there.

Aku naik angin, betul-betul naik angin. Aku tumbuk meja. Aku ada banyak kerja nak buat. Tak ada masa nak main teka teki. I got 10 reports to submit and some other bullshit I had to focus on. Dan jika tak siap, dia adalah orang yang akan maki aku. Aku tak suka kena maki sebab bila aku kena maki, aku akan pukul siapa yang maki aku. Tiada kenal darjat hatta status penumbuk ku ini.

Khuatir dicederakan dengan lebih teruk, akhirnya dia berterus terang.

"It's Valentine's."

"Come again?"

"Valentine's Day. Please don't hurt me."

"Oh. What about it?"

Dan dia mula menerangkan kenapa Valentine's Day sangat significant untuk orang macam aku.

"Seriously boss, I don't give a fuck. If I want love, I'll pay for it."

"Idiot. That ain't love. That's making love. And you don't make love to a woman you paid. That's just plain old business. That's fucking business."

"Well, it seems like we're not on the same page here. Did you ever give anything to your wife? It can be anything. Cash, present, holiday, etc."

"I did and still do. As a matter of fact, I just gave her some cash last night. She wanted to buy a new handbag dan dia menolak jika I yang belikan handbag untuk dia."

"And in return?"

"I get to fuck. I mean I get to make love with my wife."

"Gotcha! With that, I rest my case."

"Holy shit Zafwan! You're like the Dalai Lama of love. Love making. Fucking. What ever the fuck that is."