Jumaat, Disember 17, 2010

Aku Datang

I went to the market the other day when I saw a teenage boy at the age of 13 stocking up his mother's cart with yogurt drinks.

Aku getus sendirian, "...the fuck?"

Dia sumbat dalam sedozen minuman yogurt dari satu jenama yang terkenal dalam industri makanan dan minuman. Mak dia tak perasan. Budak itu sangat licik dalam menyumbat satu persatu botol minuman tersebut di celah-celah sayur, bihun, mop, kicap, tablecloth, dan barang-barang dapur yang lain. Aku jalan ke tempat lain.

Di satu sudut yang berlainan, mata aku terpaku pada seorang perempuan dalam lingkungan lewat 20-an. She's all alone. Dengan skirt pendek dan baju-T The Ramones.

Aku getus, "pasar malam kot."

Dia juga turut memuatkan dalam 10 botol minuman yogurt in her cart. What the fuck? Aku toleh sekeliling, semua orang paling kurang mesti ada 5 botol minuman yogurt. The bigger the family, the more they will get their drinks on. I even saw an old lady asked a forklift driver to load up a butt-load of yogurt drinks in her 4X4.

And that was the call for Mr. What The Fuck You're Doing. Seorang adiwira terkini yang menyelamatkan golongan pengguna daripada buat rash decision from buying shit that they don't even need.

Aku tukar ke kostum adiwira aku. Nothing fancy, a black shirt, a black short, and a pair of flip-flop. The same thing I wore from before. Only this time, I wore a sunglass that I stole from a hawker stall to cover my identity.

Aku berjalan ke arah mak kepada budak yang mula-mula tadi.

"What the fuck you're doing, boy?"

He wet his pants.

Mak dia mengeluarkan mop daripada cart dan mula melibas-libas ke arah aku. Aku panik. Being a superhero means you have to equip yourself with some basic self defense mechanism. Aku capai flip-flop belah kiri dan mula melempang wanita tersebut kiri dan kanan.

"Calm down, bitch!"

Selepas aku tolong dia mengesat kesan kotoran lumpur dia mukanya, aku ceritakan apa yang sebenarnya berlaku. Wanita tersebut tergamam. Dia mula menyelongkar cart. And started asking questions.

Mak, "apa kau nak buat dengan botol banyak-banyak ni?"

Anak, "pertama sekali, ini bukan sebarang botol. Mari adik kenalkan. Ini Shasha. Yang itu Kelly dan yang itu adalah perempuan istimewa adik, Miss Kitty. She's special cos' she tastes just like strawberry. Dan yang lain-lain are just my pretty little bitches."

Mak dan Mr. What The Fuck You're Doing(akulah tu), "what the fuck?"

Budak tu ada masalah. Dia gunakan botol-botol tersebut as a tool of pleasure. You wanna know how? Me neither.

But I will tell you some, just to share the agony that I'd been through.

Selepas habis minum, dia akan koyakkan label pada botol tersebut and starts drawing. The bottle itself constitutes an image of a fine lady. Thick at the bottom, slim at the middle, and soft at the upper section. So, what did he draw? Some curvy lines and 2 dots.

That boy was brilliant. I've never thought of that. Dan selepas habis melukis, he shoved, okay. That's enough. He'd just hit puberty, give him some break. He didn't know what to do with it yet. Or did he?

Aku bagi saranan kepada mak budak tu cakap baik-baik dengan bapa dia supaya membenarkan akses kepada beberapa laman web. I gave her the list. Dan aku turut masukkan sebotol Vaseline ke dalam cart dia. Cos I knew how boys at his age will do with their ding-a-ling.

Walking tall to another victim of capitalism. The woman with The Ramones t-shirt. Aku tak cakap banyak, aku terus rampas cart dia dan ambil satu per satu botol minuman yogurt dia. Dia kebingungan dan cuba merampas cart dari aku. Aku bagi amaran.

"Step aside lady, this is justice at work. Stand there in silence and let justice prevails."

Dan susun semula di rak pakaian dalam wanita. Sebab dia ada dekat seksyen tu at that time. Dan aku hanya ada 2 tangan. She took 10, motherfucker. Dan bahagian minuman terletak nun jauh di sana, tingkat bawah.

So I did what I thought was the most time and energy efficient. Dan dia buka mulut.

"What the fuck you're..."

Aku cantas, "that's my line, bitch!"

I gave her a nice clothesline with my huge right forearm. I couldn't help it. I was still in attack mode. And she had it coming.

Aku soal dia macam-macam. Kenapa dia ambil sampai begitu banyak minuman yogurt. Sedap sangat ke bendalah ni. Berapa kuantiti yang dia ambil dalam sehari. Berapa nombor telefon dia. Her cup size. Relationship status, the whole related issue with her being such a slave to capitalism.

Dia cakap dia nak bentuk badan yang menarik dan dia buat kajian di internet kebanyakan perempuan yang bertubuh cantik minum minuman yogurt untuk kekalkan bentuk tubuh yang menarik.

"Bitch, did you hear what you've just said?"

"Huh?"

"Untuk kekalkan. Bukan menjadikan, idiot! You don't drink this so you can become just like them. Those bitches exercise like some crazy bitches. You on the other hand, berapa banyak kali you go for exercise in a week?"

Dia balas, "a week? Try a year."

"For real? How come you stay this fine?"

Dia mula tersedu, "fine you say? Look at me, I'm a fat pig."

Antara kuasa yang aku possess adalah Hikmat Tamparan Realiti. All I have to do is slap the stupidity out of the person. And slap it hard. Sekali sudah memadai. And the person will snap out of any stupid fantasy as soon as it's commenced.

Reda dari keadaan yang mencemaskan tadi, aku bawa dia dekat cermin dalam fitting room. Aku tunjukkan kepada dia betapa cantiknya tubuh dia sekarang. Sambil membisikkan kata-kata semangat.

"Baby, you look good. To tell you the truth, I'll tap that ass."

"Really?"

"Hells yeah really. I don't mind some cushion for the pushin'. Er, not too much tho'. That'll be disgusting."

As she took off her clothes and ready to get down, aku tendang pintu fitting room tersebut. I didn't chicken out. I just didn't have the time for that. Aku adalah Mr. What The Fuck You're Doing. Tanggungjawab aku kepada golongan pengguna masih belum selesai.