Nothing? Exactly.
Aku gunakan CoolIris, add-on Firefox untuk cari balik semua gambar yang ada dalam blog ni. Gambar yang aku nak cari adalah gambar aku gunakan Shieldtox atau Ridsect sebagai semburan deodoran. Tak jumpa. All hope was lost. Story of my life, yada yada yada. Fuck you.
Beberapa tahun yang lepas tatkala internet masih belum digunakan secara berleluasa di Malaysia, aku diperkenalkan dengan satu laman web yang hoskan video. Bukan YouTube. Aku tak ingat apa nama dia tapi website tu menyimpan pangkalan data video iklan.
Segala macam jenis iklan. Dan klip-klip lucu.
Serta porno 2 bintang.
I didn't give a shit about 2 stars porn. Watching 2 stars porn is like jacking off with a sand paper. The feeling is there, you still a-commin' but them dicks will be sorer than a motherfucker.
Di situlah aku tahu pasal Axe. Produk Axe meliputi hampir semua aspek grooming. For men. Well grooming tak sesuai, more like gettin' our shit straight.
Guna gel mandian dia tiba-tiba from a limp dick you'll have a third leg or some shit like that. Shit was funny. Aku suka iklan Axe. Awal tahun ni sebelum marketing musketeers daripada syarikat Axe figured out a formula untuk tatapan masyarakat Malaysia, produk Axe terlebih dahulu boleh didapati di pasaran.
I was in Tesco dekat bahagian produk penjagaan diri. I was looking for VO5 hot oil for my pubes and then I saw from miles away, okay. Selang 2 aisle je kot. Aku nampak 3 jenis botol semburan deodoran berjenama Axe.
I was like, "Dah ada dekat sini? MAK DATUK!!!"
Dan selepas aku caught attention about 500 people there, aku mara ke tempat Axe. "Fuck pubes," aku bilang, "Imma mow the lawn making the yard looks bigger."
Sebab seriously, aku bawak 15 ringgit je. Baki nak beli sayur untuk arnab.
Aku belek-belek tin-tin sejuk di para. Aku toleh kiri kanan nak cari promoter. None. Persoalan di kepala aku pada masa tu adalah bila bendalah ni mula dijual. The first day it was sold. Am I the first, am I the first 10, am I the first 50? Macam tu. Bitch wasn't there, so I just assumed I was the first one.
Aku minat sangat Axe sebab iklan dia berjaya mengeksploitasi perempuan cantik untuk mengkomersialkan jenama dia. The best ad was a huge group of women in bikinis merentas isolated island macam Survivor Kiribati pergi mencari the source of the scent. The ad was so good it gave me a boner for like a week.
Di sini tak dapatlah Axe nak guna macam tu punya formula. Perempuan pakai baju tak cukup kain with them juicy juggs bouncing all wet and whatnot. Nuh-uh, not here motherfucker.
Maka aku beli satu tin Axe dengan imej dalam kepala aku bila aku sembur je nanti ada perempuan terus tanggal baju out of spite. Ini adalah pengaruh iklan dia yang disiarkan di luar negara. Aku simpan tak pakai-pakai sebab Polo Explorer aku ada lagi setengah botol.
Then months after that, or weeks after that, aku tengok TV. Masa makan. Iklan Axe telah muncul di kaca TV. The Axe Effect. Pertama kali aku nak tengok ni. I whooped my dick out right on the dining table and ready to jerk off feeling that the girl might rip her top off. I thought it's the same theme macam iklan dia yang dekat luar.
Bam! Nombor telefon.
Motherfucker.
I got liquidated cheese on my dick and that was all? Shit.
Impresi muka perempuan tu memang nak sangat to get her fuck on but taking the sensitive issue into account, she just sucked it all in and save it for later.
But come to think of it, it's the same massage. Yes, the girl didin't flash her tits but I got it. Phone number is the the starting point which will lead to bumping uglies. Di kepala aku masa tu ingat dengan macam ni punya iklan, I can score some tails. Sebab nombor telefon can lead to one or two possibilities. Satu, if I get it right, I can bumping uglies dan dua, kalau ada yang tak kena, aku akan makan pelempang. Kulit aku dah habis kenyal dek besi so aku tak rasa apa dan tukang lempang tu lagi bertambah sakit hati which will lead to angry sex with a side order of despair. And like both odds.
Think of it macam mesej subliminal. Dengan menonton iklan ni, guys will know what to do and girls will know what the fuck they should be doing. Give it up for the greater good. Lelaki sembur, perempuan just give out their number. Simple.
I tried it for the first time. Same situation. Aku pergi kafe. Bought some muffins and coffee. I got my Axe on, my dopest gear, I was ready to get down. Masa nak pergi cash register, aku sempat sembur sikit dekat my naughty area just in case the smell wasn't strong enough. Them pheromones help boost the smell, I bet downstairs have tons of em', hence the downstairs spraying.
Aku ikut sebiji macam mamat dalam iklan tu buat. Act all nerdy and shit. Lucky aku rabun, an added bonus. And this girl at the register, damnnn. Lepas tu aku duduk dekat meja. Letting the time do its plot. The waiting game was on. Mengikut iklan, gadis itu mengambil masa dalam seminit untuk cari pen, kertas dan walk her ass all the way to the guy's table. Dalam iklan mestilah tak sampai seminit, duit tu. So I figured logically, seminit adalah masa yang ngam-ngam cun for her to settle down.
Sejam.
I sat there for an hour. Kopi dan muffin 2 minit je aku habiskan. Maklumlah selera binatang. Lagi 58 minit? Aku habiskan dengan tekan-tekan keyboard buat macam tengah sibuk online walhal dalam radius 1 KM tak ada satu pun yang boleh pakai. Kafe tu ada menyediakan wireless tapi kalau nak pakai kena ada password.
Minit yang ke 34. Orang dah tak ramai. Aku adalah jeling-jeling dekat perempuan tu just in case dia nak datang dekat aku, nak kena spray balik. That time it was fo sho'.
Aku nampak dia menulis sesuatu dekat atas kertas. Aku dah tak tentu arah. Internally, aku rasa usus aku dah bersimpul. Jantung aku jatuh 1 inci dari posisi asal dan peparu aku, hitam, macam biasa. Sempat juga aku spray dalam diam.
Dia berjalan.
Semakin hampir.
As I was about to lose my bladder control, BAM!
Kertas yang mengandungi password Wi-Fi.
"Next time, ask for it. Ni dah macam siamang kena belacan tertekan-tekan button tu. Sampai besoklah duduk dekat sini tak dapat online."
"I want my mommy."
