Semasa menonton filem tersebut minggu lepas, aku terejakulasi sebanyak 3 kali. Like any other real man, I got too excited by the ass-whooping. I cried, laughed, threw fist in the air along with the Chinese community yang sama-sama menonton dengan aku. Aku punya seat memang dah terbaiklah, tak boleh nak cerita apa lagi, pertembungan paksi-X dan Y. I actually asked for the blueprint of that cinema and print it out, lipat 2 kertas tersebut dan lipat sekali lagi sampai dapat titik tengah.
Aku, "HAH! I want this seat. It's the best."
Perempuan jaga kaunter, "Good choice sir. Want me to do stuff at your private area while waiting? No charge."
Aku, "Tak payah. Aku nak beli spender sekotak. Better use of my time, skank!"
Selepas filem tamat dan masing-masing keluar dari panggung, aku meluru keluar untuk mengembalikan suhu badan ke paras asal. By smoking.
Dan semasa aku menyambung rokok kedua, aku sempat mengelamun; kan indah jika semua masalah dapat diselesaikan dengan penumbuk?
A few months back, I got into some sort of misunderstanding with another guy. It's about a girl. That guy thought I was going to nail that girl but in reality, I only want to talk to her sebab dah berzaman aku tak bercakap dengan perempuan tu. Perempuan tu kawan baik aku. Lelaki itu pula, pukimak besar sial yang anggap dia dah cukup hebat dan cukup kuat.
Sedang aku berbual dengan kawan aku tu, pukimak ini tiba-tiba datang dan mencelah perbualan kami which to me, too rude even by my own standard. He started taking control of the conversation, nicely steered her attention from me to him. Aku panas. 12 pagi, angin tiup macam ribut dan aku berpakaian sikit, masih lagi panas ditiup amarah.
Aku kepal penumbuk, ready to take action dan ZAP!
Aku hulurkan tangan aku dan salam dia. Aku perkenalkan diri aku dan dia mula bermuka tawar.
Aku, "Dude, we're having conversation right here. Do you mind?"
Dia, "Aaa.. aaa.. aa.."
Dan terus blah. Mungkin dia takut dengan suara aku. Shit, I even made my friend peed in his pants masa kitorang buat aktiviti larut malam yang melibatkan kami berdua sahaja as a group, doing specific tasks assigned by the highest order. Aku hanya cakap sikit je, "Jam pukul berapa sekarang?" and bitch-ass jumped 3 feet in the air.
Maka aku sambung balik perbualan as that S.O.B walked away. The first thing came to my mouth: "Aku nak tumbuk pukimak tu!"
Perbualan diteruskan lagi hingga aku dah sampai tahap tak boleh nak pergi jauh lagi dah. Aku balik. Nothing happened. Aku tak pergi sesah pukimak tu dan pukimak tu tak buat apa-apa. Probably shaking in the dark. Aku pulang dengan tanggapan pukimak tu penakut. His balls shrunk, I thought.
That thought has been in my mind for months sampailah beberapa hari lepas aku jumpa kawan baik aku dan kami berceritalah pasal macam-macam which led to the part where he, too, wanted to punch me. Badly.
That's where I laughed my ass off. That puny little vermin wanted to land his tiny soft fist on my face? I guess he has the balls after all.
Let's take a look at this guy's physical attributes.
He's just like you. Weak. More bones than meat. Muka jambu, rambut panjang, 5' 10", dan kerja paling berat dia pernah buat adalah bitching about how suck his life cos he was abandoned by his family. His parents went to somewhere in Africa or Europe, I can't recall, and didn't leave him a single penny. Poor baby.
So like any other real man out there, I challenged him to a fisticuff yang di mana kad jemputan aku dah hantar dekat dia melalui kawan baik aku. Tiada kad jemputan. Hanya air liur.
Dan mari kita berkenalan dengan ciri-ciri fizikal aku. Mudah. Ambil pukimak tu punya physical attributes, the exact opposite. Yes, I'm 10' 5". Kerja paling berat aku pernah buat? Aku pernah buat rumah. Aku pernah bekerja sebagai buruh binaan. You see, kamu tak mahu cari pasal dengan buruh binaan.
They might not be smart but they sure know how to put you in hospital under 10 seconds.
Sekarang aku tunggu.
Sambil mengasah penumbuk aku dengan batu tela yang aku kutip siang tadi. Aku nak pergi cari kemenyan dan limau purut.
