Oh Baby, Aku Sukakan Caramu

To date, aku telah rasa semua konsol permainan. Not all, the consoles from this era. Baik yang cucuk dekat TV mahupun yang portable.

Aku tak tahu apa yang buatkan bendalah ni semua so addictive. I was once got my Gameboy stomped to pieces back in school by the warden. Orang tengah mentelaah masa prep malam, aku dok bantai main King of Fighters. He came from the back and snatched that shit from my hand, gimme the old stink eye and threw it on the floor.

Skrin terus retak masa dia hempas. Menggunakan berat badan beliau yang pada ketika itu aku anggarkan 90, no make it 110kg cos he's such a big motherfucker, dia mula memijak-mijak konsol paling aku sayang tanpa hati perut.

Lunyai.

Dia bawa the debris, remaining, what's left ke bilik warden dan aku kejung tanpa sebutir kata for like 10 minutes dan lepas tu aku lari pergi tandas hisap rokok to kill the shivers. That console could've been me, dia boleh pijak aku sampai keluar taik hijau but he chose not to. Phew.

I tell you how addictive console games are, next week I came back to the school with a new Gameboy. With colors! Suck on that Mr. Big Man! Well, dia sedang melalui fasa roda berpusing recently. Series of shitty illness menyerang beliau sekarang and I couldn't be more happier and sorry at the same time.

Minggu lepas di majlis persandingan sepupu aku yang hadirin terdiri daripada I didn't know who the fuck they were, aku bersama kakak-kakak dan abang-abang ipar aku duduk semeja dan menjamah apa yang ada. The ceremony was grandeur but the food... Well the food was shitty. I bet if I gave the food to a group of stray cats, they'll chew my ass rather than eating those abominations. As you can see, my ass is fabulously juicy. I'm going to prove it to you by attaching a very nice pic of my behindus.

See? I shit you not. Well, that's not mine. Mine's like 17 times more awesome. That's a girl's ass. And if you happen to be a girl, your ass is supposed to like that. Now stop chewing those jajans and do some squat for God's sake.

Back to the wedding which one of the honor guest was that guy who punched Anwar. You know that guy. Yeah. And he came from the same bloodline as of mine which makes him my uncle. Suck on my unit!

I was bored out of my fucking mind. Apa benda aku nak buat. The acoustics were terrible, the hot chicks never got the be in the hall, other guests were stuck-up, my cousins can't stop asking me tips to lose weight, which brought me to this: how am I going to entertain myself?

Aku boleh lari ke tandas and rub an easy one out tapi aku pilih untuk simpan pemimpin masa depan in my nutsack sebab aku nampak ada beberapa potensi dalam crowd di luar dewan.

Aku nampak garfu. Aku boleh tikam mata abang ipar aku yang kejap-kejap, "Look at that piece of badonk-kadonk. Tell me you'll tap that. I know I will." sambil menyiku aku. Aku toleh ke bahagian lain meja. Aku nampak anak buah aku yang baru berusia 5 bulan. She seems cute.

"OMFG! Did she just laughed at me? Aww that's adorable. Gimme that!"

I played with her. Make funny faces, weird sounds. Fart sounds. Tickle her love handles. Pretend to eat her feet. She giggled and tenenenet-tenetttt! 2 jam berlalu.

Wow.

Masa berlalu begitu pantas. Dalam perjalanan pulang I can't help myself but to think we all should stop playing with console games. PC games. Board games. Twister. Games nonetheless.

And start making babies.

Stop making the richer and powerful more richer and powerful. Give a chance to those baru mahu bertapak in minuman tenaga dan produk kebatinan. Minuman tangkal tok guru, Mas Cotek, Tongkat Tawil, minyak...aaa...minyak parasit sawah, what have you.

Lanun

5 days out and I pwned it.

Haha.

'Bout Time, Motherfucker.

Senin sampai Jumaat aku memperhambakan diri dengan besi for 2 years straight. Never missed even one night, so it's high time to get some recognition from the guy.

Uncle Bryan yang taik idung masin bab berkongsi ilmu, mata duitan, bini muda, cun pulak tu, tak tau bawak dek untung, in short, a big time motherfucker akhirnya menulis nama aku dan 2 orang lagi untuk di bawa masuk pertandingan.

Wakil tempat aku sebelum ini telah berpindah ke Perak. Pahang. Ontah. Itupun setelah beribu dia labur dekat orang tua tu yang dok kirap duit supplement. 6 tahun dia buncitkan perut Uncle Bryan barulah dapat peluang nak ke masuk pertandingan.

3 orang yang bakal dihantar termasuk aku juga punya sejarah pelaburan merugikan dekat orang tua tersebut. Antonio, pseudonym, telah buat pelaburan selama 2 tahun sebelum dia jumpa aku yang punya kenalan yang boleh dapat bekalan supplement 17 kali ganda lebih murah. I lied, hanya separuh harga but 2 times the quantity.

Seorang lagi, Gustav, juga pseudonym, telah buat pelaburan selama 3 bulan sebelum menyedari saban hari dia menjilat palit-palit kemasinan haring di raut wajahnya. Setelah diyakini tanpa sedikit ragu kesucian wajahnya, Gustav mula jadi pembekal ulung menyaingi farmasi dalam membekalkan barangan kesihatan. Well mostly proteins and some vitamins and pills. Illegal pills. The kind of pills that won't make you spend the night in the cell. The kind of pills that keep you going.

Aku. Pelaburan aku hanyalah masa. Pada awalnya aku gemar datang pagi sebab orang tak ada. Yang teman aku hanyalah Uncle Bryan. Kami berbual, pembetulan, dia berbual dengan dinding manakala aku fokus dengan kerja aku. Bila aku tanya sikit dia cakap, "Look at the chart."

Ok fine. Aku tengok jelah carta bergambar yang dia tampal sekeliling tempat tu. I felt somewhat bigger by the second just looking at em'. Impressive.

Masih belum ada pelaburan masa di situ. Aku akan melaburkan masa setelah aku turun tangga dan mengadap muka orang tua tu yang tercatuk kat bawah baca newspaper. Aku set jam 10 minit. Aku capai bahagian yang dia tak baca. Kumpul topik dalam kepala and spit.

Tak kiralah apa topik sekalipun, even at one time aku buka topik paling hangat yang ada dalam suratkhabar siap bantuan visual, there's a girl wearing gear that really showed the goods, dia entah macam mana putar-putar ianya akan berakhir dengan politik. Dari 10 minit beranjak 20 minit. Tak cukup. Aku tambah lagi 10 minit. Belarut-larut sampai ke kedai kopi sembang bagai nak rak tepuk meja pelbagai.

Maka dari 3 jam aku patut habiskan hentam besi aku terpaksa kurangkan sampai setengah jam je. He left me no choice. Kalau dia nampak aku turun laju semacam dia akan tegur, "Eh kau nak poie mano? Meh dok ngan Uncle dulu sembang pasal Anwar."

"No Uncle, I don't wanna talk about him and I don't wanna talk to you."

Dalam hati.

Aku tak tahan. Ok screw it, aku tukar masa. Aku datang malam. And I live happily ever after since then.

***

Tadi entah dari celah mana orang tua tu muncul. Uncle Bryan bawa borang. 3 keping kesemuanya. "Kau, kau dan kau. Sini!"

"Isi sampai lengkap esok hantar dekat rumah Uncle."

Wow, nama aku dan 2 sahabat lagi telah dihantar. Yang tinggal hanyalah maklumat peribadi. Aku tenung jauh-jauh renung dalam-dalam.

Gustav, "Yeah, it's high time for us to get into the game."

Aku balas, "Ha isi borang tu, jangan banyak cakap."

Antonio, "Chicks will be all over us like flies hovering over a pile of horse manure."

I'm not sure about the chick part. All I'm concerned is I'm gonna be like 99% naked with only a thin layer of spandex covering my tender part and that's for sure is graphical. Have to pull it all the way back so it won't get weird.

"Fuck that, I don't want to."

"Uncle, nah bagi borang ni kat Amat. Kategori super-duper-galactical heavy weight." sambil meludah ke sisi orang tua tu dan berjalan turun ke bawah dengan keyakinan yang aku rasa setakat ni belum pernah tercapai.

May The Best Man Wins

Mak aku telefon semalam sedang aku memancing di tasik.

"Moktih call semalam, dia nak kau jadik pengapit."

"Uh-huh."

Turned out bapak aku dah tolak awal-awal. Dia boleh baca fikiran aku.

To date, aku ada 3 permintaan untuk jadi pengapit. Dan aku telah pun menolaknya dengan baik.

"Fuck wedding, I'll be there just for the food. You better have some puddings for desert or I'll go berserk!"

That, by my definition is kindly rejecting.

Bapak aku dah beri opsyen lain kepada Moktih, there's this cousin of mine which I haven't met in my whole entire life and I thank him for it. She argued for a while and after forwarding my cell number to her which made her to talk to me in person, she finally forfeited.

As usual to close things up, I used my signature's "kindly rejecting" and wrapped things up with a nice, I mean literally nice, "Thanks for calling and have a nice day."

See? I can say a nice thing or two every now and then.

Oh, that fishing trip. I got severely tanned and we didn't catch any fish. What a letdown. Although, we caught 2 lobsters. Tiny and fit for the Daily Squee. Campak dalam akuarium tak sampai seminit dah kena kunyah dengan kelisa kawan aku.

Aku baru beli 2 bungkus besar kiub ais dan aku nak pergi berendam.

Parti Gusti

Now go search Black Flag video entitled TV Party.

Dah?

Ni lirik dia, yang aku dah ubah:

Gusti party tonight!
Gusti party tonight!
Gusti party tonight!
Gusti party tonight!

We're gonna have a gusti party tonight!

Alright!

We're gonna have a gusti party alright!

Tonight!

We've got nothing better to do
Than watch gusti and have a couple of brews

All our friends are gonna hang out here tonight

Alright!

We're gonna pass out on the couch alright

Tonight!

We've got nothing better to do
Than watch gusti and have a couple of brews

Don't talk about anything else
We don't wanna know!
We're dedicated
To our favorite wrestlers!

We sit glued to the T.V. set all night
And every night!
Why go into the outside world at all?
It's such a fright!

We've got nothing better to do
Than watch gusti and have a couple of brews

R.V.D shows what it's really like out there
It's a scare!

You can go out if you want
We wouldn't dare!

We've got nothing better to do
Than watch gusti and have a couple of brews

Don't talk about anything else
We don't wanna know!
We're dedicated
To our favorite wrestlers!

I wouldn't be without my gusti for a day
Or even a minute!

Don't even bother to use my brain anymore
There's nothing left in it!

We've got nothing better to do
Than watch gusti and have a couple of brews

Wait a minute! My PS2 set doesn't work!
It's broken!
What are we gonna do tonight? This isn't fair!
We're hurtin'

We've got nothing left to do
With no gusti and just a couple of brews

What are we gonna talk about?
I don't know!
We're gonna miss our favorite wrestlers!
NO GUSTI PARTY TONIGHT!

Aku tak ada Playstation. Dari versi pertama sampailah yang baru. Yang aku ada laptop yang dilengkapi kad grafik yang agak boleh tahan jugaklah nak menampung permainan 3D serta macam-macam emulator permainan konsol.

Pemacu CD aku dah jahanam, maka aku dah tak boleh pakai emulator Playstation. Aku pakai emulator Dreamcast, semua permainan aku muat turun. Puas hati. Aku akhirnya boleh tersenyum, satu benda yang aku tak reti buat. Watching me smile is like watching a baby say his/her first word which is fucking adorable.

Semuanya disadur pelangi, disembur wangian syurgawi, my life that is. For solid 2 months. Sistem operasi laptop aku buat taik. Jangkitan virus berjaya mengkompromi laptop aku sampai aku tak boleh nak go online for more than 45 minutes before the screen starts turning into some piece of shit. Tekan Alt-Ctrl-Del tak jalan, Alt-F4 tak boleh blah. Refresh pakai right click pun sama dia punya penghujung: statik. Aku ambil langkah akhir dengan hempas laptop aku ke dinding sampai tercabut bateri.

It worked! UNBE-FUCKING-LIEVABLE!

Turned out aku kena force shut down dengan tekan butang shut down lama-lama sampai terpelecok jari.

OK, gusti.

Aku baru-baru nak cuba. And like any other game or software, beri aku 2 jam godek-godek biasakan control dan aku adalah semua-semua dekat bahagian kredit. Developer, producer, programmer, team manager, tukang sapu, semuanyalah aku. Atau dalam erti kata lain, aku adalah Dewa Permainan.

Bermula minggu lepas bila aku cuba cari alternatif lain aktiviti hujung minggu yang tak melibatkan benda bukan-bukan. I went to a friend's house, he invited me over for some computing issues. Aku tolong sikit-sikit sambil jeling-jeling house mate dia dok terjerit-jerit main gusti. Dalam TV. Dan-dan tangan aku menggigil, maklum sajalah, Dewa Permainan. Sudahnya aku tendang PC dia jauh-jauh, house mate dia aku karate sampai patah tengkuk lantas merampas controller pad dan mula tekan-tekan entah apa butang.

Kalah.

Lawan komputer. Who the fuck fight against computer at difficulty level set to OMFG and win that shit? For the first time? Without Gameshark/Action Replay CDX/trainer? Who I tell you? WHO?

"Cis bedebah musibat makan taik babi punya komputer! Jaga kau aku kerjakan lepas ni!"

I did. Aku menang setelah kejap-kejap tekan butang start untuk merujuk cara bermain. Fuck 2 hours to imperfect, give me 5 minutes and I'm all business.

Aku ketagih.

Dari lepas Isya' bawak ke Subuh. Berbotol-botol Gatorade bergelimpangan atas lantai sampaikan seorang lagi house mate dia tidur bertilam, berbantal, bergebar botol Gatorade.

I need my daily dosage of full 5 uninterrupted hours just to play wrestling. You know, you can't beat people up just for an occasion these days. Paras hormon aku tinggi, adrenaline rush berlaku selang 3 saat, I've to hit something. Not a brick wall cos that will be stupid damaging my body parts to something that can't say "ouch". Bantai orang tidur lokap pula. Pukul pendatang asing nanti kena rojak dengan kawan-kawan mereka pula which leave me only but one choice: beat any opponent in the ring.

This shit's gotta stop. Aku tak boleh terus berhadapan dengan..damn it! Aku jadi tak keruan kerana hari ni aku kekurangan 45 minit masa bergusti. Fuck you all for I'm going to force feed a slice of my home made whoopass down Undertaker's throat.

Fuckkkkk where's my key?

Got it. Ok, like I said, fuck you.