Sentuhan Dewi

Semalam di kenduri kahwin seorang kawan, I was practically a clown. Badut adalah seorang yang semua orang suka tengok dan setiap perilakunya menghibur dan melucukan.

I did not pull a rubber chicken outta my ass.

With my physical stature and my increasing appetite, I'm a joke.

I'm talking about nasi setinggi 3/4 jengkal. Ayam 8 ketul. Daging asal boleh muat. Buah di pinggan lain. Kek coklat juga di pinggan lain. Umbut kelapa dibuat hiasan terakhir yang sudahnya aku campak kat longkang.

On my way to find a seat, mestilah kena berasak-asak dengan orang yang baru nak datang. People that came from different direction, most of them will stop, stare and mengumpat. One older lady clearly said right to my face, "jang, ni ekau apo kono ni? Tak makan tigo ari ko?"

And I threw her over the fence. That old hag.

All in all, I got a great time at the wedding. Dapat berjumpa ramai kawan yang dah lama tak dengar khabar and stuff. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was the one who they were celebrating, not the newly weds.

And best of all, I got approximately 10 girls who can't get their hands off of me. 2 of them already engaged. 1 married and the others just whores waiting to be fucked.

I even got the engaged one to literally threatened to call off her wedding if her man can't be like me in a year.

It went something like this, "look at him. Now look at yourself. Done? Okay, be like him. Or else Imma fuck him right here right now."

And that ended my friendship with about 20 person. I didn't give a fuck. Aku sendawa kecil untuk membuka ruang dan sambung makan sambil gadis di sebelah aku memberi a hand job. Lucky she brought her hand lotion along. Brrr, shit was nice.

Tak Dengar

I went out on a dinner last night. Two people, nothing fancy.

Sedang sibuk mengunyah,

"Each time I look at you, I feel like a butterfly flapping its dusty wings in stomach," dia cakap.

As a rule, I don't like people talk to me while I'm getting my grub on. It's rude. Unless I talk to them, and that's another story.

Perempuan suka kalau lelaki 'dengar' apa yang mereka cakap. "You're a very good listener" selalu diucap bila habis sesi bercakap. To be truth, most men tak dengar pun seluruh perbualan. They'll just listen to the last word of the sentence.

So what I actually heard was,

White noise~~~ "stomach."

"Woman," aku balas, "what the fuck is wrong with your stomach? I got bread, cheese, wings, bones, salad, some Pepsi, lamb kebab and some other stuff I don't have any idea what the fuck they are in mine but you don't see me bitching about it. So shut your trap and let me finish my meal. Damn, you're such a pain."

Selepas habis makan. Aku tak ada table manner maka aku sendawa. Sekuat yang boleh. Secara semulajadi. Tak kuat. Maka aku gunakan kebolehan aku untuk sendawa by my own will using the telan angin method.

The ground was shaking. People scattered and I said, "that's some good shit. Now what were you talking about?"

Lantas menerangkan bagaimana aku tahu apa dia cakap. Dia ulang balik apa yang dia cakap. She had to. I threatened to leave the food joint without paying the bill. And from what she just saw, the abomination on the table, aku boleh rasa dia cakap under her breath, "this is what I eat for a week."

"And a half," this one she said it straight to my face.

Kesan Kapak

Salah satu gambar paling sexy pernah aku tangkap:

Nothing? Exactly.

Aku gunakan CoolIris, add-on Firefox untuk cari balik semua gambar yang ada dalam blog ni. Gambar yang aku nak cari adalah gambar aku gunakan Shieldtox atau Ridsect sebagai semburan deodoran. Tak jumpa. All hope was lost. Story of my life, yada yada yada. Fuck you.

Beberapa tahun yang lepas tatkala internet masih belum digunakan secara berleluasa di Malaysia, aku diperkenalkan dengan satu laman web yang hoskan video. Bukan YouTube. Aku tak ingat apa nama dia tapi website tu menyimpan pangkalan data video iklan.

Segala macam jenis iklan. Dan klip-klip lucu.

Serta porno 2 bintang.

I didn't give a shit about 2 stars porn. Watching 2 stars porn is like jacking off with a sand paper. The feeling is there, you still a-commin' but them dicks will be sorer than a motherfucker.

Di situlah aku tahu pasal Axe. Produk Axe meliputi hampir semua aspek grooming. For men. Well grooming tak sesuai, more like gettin' our shit straight.

Guna gel mandian dia tiba-tiba from a limp dick you'll have a third leg or some shit like that. Shit was funny. Aku suka iklan Axe. Awal tahun ni sebelum marketing musketeers daripada syarikat Axe figured out a formula untuk tatapan masyarakat Malaysia, produk Axe terlebih dahulu boleh didapati di pasaran.

I was in Tesco dekat bahagian produk penjagaan diri. I was looking for VO5 hot oil for my pubes and then I saw from miles away, okay. Selang 2 aisle je kot. Aku nampak 3 jenis botol semburan deodoran berjenama Axe.

I was like, "Dah ada dekat sini? MAK DATUK!!!"

Dan selepas aku caught attention about 500 people there, aku mara ke tempat Axe. "Fuck pubes," aku bilang, "Imma mow the lawn making the yard looks bigger."

Sebab seriously, aku bawak 15 ringgit je. Baki nak beli sayur untuk arnab.

Aku belek-belek tin-tin sejuk di para. Aku toleh kiri kanan nak cari promoter. None. Persoalan di kepala aku pada masa tu adalah bila bendalah ni mula dijual. The first day it was sold. Am I the first, am I the first 10, am I the first 50? Macam tu. Bitch wasn't there, so I just assumed I was the first one.

Aku minat sangat Axe sebab iklan dia berjaya mengeksploitasi perempuan cantik untuk mengkomersialkan jenama dia. The best ad was a huge group of women in bikinis merentas isolated island macam Survivor Kiribati pergi mencari the source of the scent. The ad was so good it gave me a boner for like a week.

Di sini tak dapatlah Axe nak guna macam tu punya formula. Perempuan pakai baju tak cukup kain with them juicy juggs bouncing all wet and whatnot. Nuh-uh, not here motherfucker.

Maka aku beli satu tin Axe dengan imej dalam kepala aku bila aku sembur je nanti ada perempuan terus tanggal baju out of spite. Ini adalah pengaruh iklan dia yang disiarkan di luar negara. Aku simpan tak pakai-pakai sebab Polo Explorer aku ada lagi setengah botol.

Then months after that, or weeks after that, aku tengok TV. Masa makan. Iklan Axe telah muncul di kaca TV. The Axe Effect. Pertama kali aku nak tengok ni. I whooped my dick out right on the dining table and ready to jerk off feeling that the girl might rip her top off. I thought it's the same theme macam iklan dia yang dekat luar.

Bam! Nombor telefon.

Motherfucker.

I got liquidated cheese on my dick and that was all? Shit.

Impresi muka perempuan tu memang nak sangat to get her fuck on but taking the sensitive issue into account, she just sucked it all in and save it for later.

But come to think of it, it's the same massage. Yes, the girl didin't flash her tits but I got it. Phone number is the the starting point which will lead to bumping uglies. Di kepala aku masa tu ingat dengan macam ni punya iklan, I can score some tails. Sebab nombor telefon can lead to one or two possibilities. Satu, if I get it right, I can bumping uglies dan dua, kalau ada yang tak kena, aku akan makan pelempang. Kulit aku dah habis kenyal dek besi so aku tak rasa apa dan tukang lempang tu lagi bertambah sakit hati which will lead to angry sex with a side order of despair. And like both odds.

Think of it macam mesej subliminal. Dengan menonton iklan ni, guys will know what to do and girls will know what the fuck they should be doing. Give it up for the greater good. Lelaki sembur, perempuan just give out their number. Simple.

I tried it for the first time. Same situation. Aku pergi kafe. Bought some muffins and coffee. I got my Axe on, my dopest gear, I was ready to get down. Masa nak pergi cash register, aku sempat sembur sikit dekat my naughty area just in case the smell wasn't strong enough. Them pheromones help boost the smell, I bet downstairs have tons of em', hence the downstairs spraying.

Aku ikut sebiji macam mamat dalam iklan tu buat. Act all nerdy and shit. Lucky aku rabun, an added bonus. And this girl at the register, damnnn. Lepas tu aku duduk dekat meja. Letting the time do its plot. The waiting game was on. Mengikut iklan, gadis itu mengambil masa dalam seminit untuk cari pen, kertas dan walk her ass all the way to the guy's table. Dalam iklan mestilah tak sampai seminit, duit tu. So I figured logically, seminit adalah masa yang ngam-ngam cun for her to settle down.

Sejam.

I sat there for an hour. Kopi dan muffin 2 minit je aku habiskan. Maklumlah selera binatang. Lagi 58 minit? Aku habiskan dengan tekan-tekan keyboard buat macam tengah sibuk online walhal dalam radius 1 KM tak ada satu pun yang boleh pakai. Kafe tu ada menyediakan wireless tapi kalau nak pakai kena ada password.

Minit yang ke 34. Orang dah tak ramai. Aku adalah jeling-jeling dekat perempuan tu just in case dia nak datang dekat aku, nak kena spray balik. That time it was fo sho'.

Aku nampak dia menulis sesuatu dekat atas kertas. Aku dah tak tentu arah. Internally, aku rasa usus aku dah bersimpul. Jantung aku jatuh 1 inci dari posisi asal dan peparu aku, hitam, macam biasa. Sempat juga aku spray dalam diam.

Dia berjalan.

Semakin hampir.

As I was about to lose my bladder control, BAM!

Kertas yang mengandungi password Wi-Fi.

"Next time, ask for it. Ni dah macam siamang kena belacan tertekan-tekan button tu. Sampai besoklah duduk dekat sini tak dapat online."

"I want my mommy."

Rasa Bertuah, Punk?

It's official. I'm back in the business.

Cukup meluat aku tengok penari-penari counter culture yang saban hari tak ubah seperti, let me put it in the easiest way, a bitch.

Since when menari dengan berlatar-belakangkan muzik keras berkisar tentang keamanan? Keamanan di sini adalah tidak menyentuh orang lain. Jika tersentuh pun siap cakap, "I'm sorry. Shit happens."

What the fuck?

Perhatikan gambar di bawah:

As hectic as it may seem, budak berpakaian serba hitam yang boleh kamu nampak dekat atas kelihatan seolah-olah about to open a can of whoopass dekat mamat depan dia.

Tapi apa yang berlaku sebenarnya?

Budaya sopan penuh adat ketimuran berjaya menghalang mamat dekat depan budak berpakaian serba hitam laksana tahi cicak itu pulang ke rumah dengan back braces. Sad story. Lumpuh dari paras leher ke bawah? You wish. Sekurang-kurangnya bersimen di ibu jari kaki? Might as well raining diamonds if that shit happened.

Apa guna main muzik to call out the demon inside of you but not using it to full potential? Tahukah kamu apa yang berlaku pada orang yang dirasuk syaitan? They don't feel shit. See the logic? See why we should kick some ass bila menari dengan berlatar belakangkan muzik keras? Orang yang kena sesah tak rasa apa, dan yang tukang sesah tu, well, who the fuck cares? Head banging is overrated. Dah tak kena zaman. Megadeth, yes. Converge, no.

Think of it as the evolution of Jay yang dalam cerita Clerks tu. Clerks 1994, Jay breakdance. Clerks II tahun 2006, Jay called out the demon dengan lagu King Diamond. Fuck, best sial part tu. Dengan finishing move "Get The Fuck Outta Ea'!" dengan Jay menendang tin bir menuju ke angkasa. Mmm hmmm. That shit was tight dawg, na mean?

Back to the picture. Or whatever the fuck I was talking about which I have no idea what it was.

Point being, scene tarian counter culture is getting suckier by day. Baik join senamrobik macam tu. Selamat, peluh pun keluar. Chance to get laid with some hot MILF pun tinggi.

Well this is a shitty post.

Glad you read it up to this point. To show you a token of my appreciation, here's something for you: